With every holiday season that comes and goes I’m reminded that my family isn’t whole. Here lately I have come across multiple people losing loved ones and my heart just aches for them. As they approach their first Christmas without their family member I know the pain that will be felt. While I haven’t lost a child or a spouse, a holiday without a loved one regardless the relationship is a big painful reminder of your loss. While my late brother has been on my mind almost constantly since finding out the gender, he is even more so now with the holiday season all around.
Last weekend I did school pictures for my nieces and nephews and within all the chaos, yet again I was reminded my family isn’t whole. And that I am a failure, but that may be a story for another time. You see being around my late brother’s girls is a battle, a joyous time but they are huge reminders that he isn’t here. The “your father is in heaven” talk happens more often than I originally thought was necessary. But I also promised him that is what I would do, constantly remind them who their blood dad is. And so I do. We talk about his ashes almost every time they are in my home, we talk about him as they point him out in pictures I have around the living room. They are still young and don’t fully understand, hell I don’t even understand, but I will continue to remind them where they came from.
If you are contemplating suicide I beg you please reach out. You are probably thinking no one loves you, the world would be better with out you, and even worse untrue things. It is all untrue. Coming from a loved one of a suicide victim, the world is not better without him and I loved him then and still. The same goes to you. Each and every day your family and friends will ask themselves why and never have the answer. They will blame themselves for not loving you enough, for not calling or checking on you more often. The list goes on with the blame we have each day. You feel like there is no other answer, call me I will help you see another way out of this darkness you are in. There is light at the end of the tunnel. Each and every ones tunnels are different lengths and maybe you are right in the middle of your own tunnel. But you are not there alone even though it feels like it, reach out. You have become an expert at disguising your depression, your loved ones are not mind readers, let them in. I beg of you. With Christmas around the corner I wish I could of said all this to Billy, but I can’t so now I will beg each and everyone of you feeling lost like him. The hurt I feel without him here, please don’t make someone else feel this.