Empower | Molly’s Story | Lawton Oklahoma Portrait Photographer

This is Molly’s Story

The first time I tried to commit suicide I was 16. It was my first boyfriend that pushed me over the edge. Many things had happened to get me to this point. Being relentlessly bullied as soon as I started school, all the way until way after this had even happened. When you’re told every day that you are not s*** you eventually believe it. I can remember so many times when I was being bullied and people who were my “friends” sat there and did nothing. Looking back on it just makes me sick to my stomach. The watchers are even worse then the bullies. Finally I had had enough. I swallowed a handful of sleeping pills and ended up just waking up a little over 24 hours later. Failing at committing suicide is a major punch in the throat man. My family didn’t even notice. I don’t think my mom even knows to this day. I had just recently been diagnosed with depression and anxiety and so I was being fed a cocktail of different pills. My mom was trying desperately to make me feel better. I also have asbergers (if you don’t know what that is click here), adding to all these different pills that did absolutely nothing for me. The feeling of having depression is something that is so hard to explain. You can feel happy for a moment but it is always around. Combining it with anxiety is just toxic and something I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy. Your anxiety tells you the world is out to get you and the depression makes you not want to do anything about it. After my first suicide attempt I eventually picked myself back up. I got out of that relationship but then just went on a downward spiral. I used sex, drugs and alcohol to make myself feel worthy. Anything I could do to numb myself and to quiet the thoughts of failure in my head. Anyone willing to give me attention I would take it. I’m disgusted with myself thinking about the things that I have done just to feel validated. I still surround myself with people and partying as much as I can because as soon as I go home and I’m alone, I’m back to feeling like absolute trash. As I’ve gotten older I’ve learned so much about myself and about my demons. About why I am the way I am but it is still a struggle. The second time I tried to kill myself I was 21. I sat in my bathtub with a cup of bleach (points for theatrics?) I did not drink it. I wanted to so badly but I just couldn’t do it. I didn’t want my sister to find my body. So I just sat in the water & cried for hours. Nothing had happened prior, I just felt so uncontrollably sad. I could not get comfortable. I couldn’t sleep, I couldn’t eat. I just could not relax. The feelings of sadness and agony were so overwhelming. Once again I eventually got myself back up and running (not alone, my best friend Victoria is my saving grace). My story doesn’t end with rainbows and happiness. But it isn’t all terrible. I have learned more about myself than most people have and I do love myself for the most part. I have learned to live life with no regrets because tomorrow is not a guarantee. My anxiety is now more of the struggle than the depression. That’s the thing I fight the most. It tells me not to do something and tries to make me afraid. If I can, I tell it to f*** off. After a recent loss of my job at a summer camp my depression has come back and it came back harder than ever. But I am a fighter and I will not let it beat me. Right now I refuse to take medicine. If I’m going to beat this I want to do it on my own. I pray constantly and try to meditate daily. Even though my depression and my anxiety are very much there I’ve learned to joke about it and I’ve learned to live a somewhat decent life. I’m depressed, I’m anxious, I’m needy, I’m dramatic but I’m actually kind of happy. For once in a long time. I’ll end my story with this: you are not alone. It feels like it sometimes but I can promise you that you aren’t. As the great Rupaul says “if you can’t love yourself, how in the hell are you going to love someone else?”

If you or someone you know is contemplating suicide call 1-800-273-8255 or go online here

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